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Category Archives: Quotes

The Sun - at it's best

The Sun - at it's best

I don’t really need to say too much. Whoever came up with this newspaper headline must be proud.

As shocking as it is, secretly, well not now, I would have loved to come up with a headline like this. A tabloid newspaper’s headline writer is something I would love to do, I could actually make a use of my awful creative puns I bore everyone with.


“He was spanking me and all I could think of was shopping lists.”

A friend of mine on her sex life.


A thrilling read

A thrilling read

I was waiting in an airport lounge reading Michelle’s magazine when I saw this beauty of a headline. “Chantelle refused to give me a poo sample. What’s she got to hide?” with Gillian McKeith lying naked amongst fruit. Wrong on so many levels, but even more funny for me because Michelle squirms whenever she sees or hears the word ‘POO.’


“Nev? Oh he’s always out, except when he can’t, he doesn’t come out.”

Tom on his friend Nev. I have never seen Nev, despite the fact he lives in London and Tom is one of my best mates who I see quite often.

“So basically he is like anyone else then Tom?”

My response.

“How do you convert cm into mm?”

Middlesex University BA Hons Graphics student on my first week. I began to doubt whether I chose the right University.

Me and Tom at Wembley

Me and Tom at Wembley

In the previous post I mentioned how I had to grope the breasts of the Nike Freestyle Champion 2003’s girlfriend. I say 2003, but truth is I can’t remember exactly the year, but it was something like that. I also said he gave me his business card, I would love to show you all it, but it was 2 years ago and I can’t find it now!

Anyway, more to the point, the relevance of this article!

As you can see I was at Wembley stadium with my mates Oli and Tom from back home. We were watching the big game – Ebbsfleet v Torquay in the big cup final. At half time the entertainment was announced. I thought I heard them announce it was from the ‘Nike Freestyle Champion 2003.” Wheels were turning inside my brain and I thought that’s the guy from the Zoo night! The camera then zoomed in on him on the big screen and it was him! I turn to my mates and say “I groped his girlfriend’s boob for a photo shoot.”

Who's this? It can't be?

Who's this? It can't be?

It's Nike Freestyle Champion 2003

It's Nike Freestyle Champion

Here he is with his girlfriend on the Zoo night

Here he is with his girlfriend on the Zoo night

Zoo Man

And here's me again with his girlfriend

“I wonder if I’m taller stood upside down?”

Clara, desperate to be tall at any cost

Really... is it?

Really... is it?

For anyone who has not seen “War of the Worlds” it isn’t a bad film, it’s your 7 out of 10 film which has some good parts but in reality is a typical summer blockbuster. Now some quotes products get I can’t believe were said no matter the context. For example every curry house on Brick Lane claims to be the greatest curry house on Brick Lane and every chef is the curry chef of the year – which obviously cannot be true or is at least stretching the truth a little!

So the Daily Mail claim “War of the Worlds” is the “greatest action epic of all time.” Of all time, really? I mean really? You can’t be serious, it’s better than Indiana Jones, Back to the Future, Star Wars, Independence Day just to name a couple of action blockbuster films. According to 245 amazon customer reviews it is a 3/5 film, says it all, not the greatest action epic of all time then?

My friend Michelle once rang up my mate Ahmed in the early hours of the morning, upset and desperately seeking advice. How does Ahmed respond?

“Michelle I can’t deal with this right now. My hair is flat.”

“It’s more dangerous to have a conversation with you than make a sex film.”

Hayley again – knowing most of her actions and conversations will end up on my blog.