Quote 14

“How do you convert cm into mm?”

Middlesex University BA Hons Graphics student on my first week. I began to doubt whether I chose the right University.

More Great Newspaper Headlines

Another thing I tweeted about recently that I’ve got round to posting – The Sun came up with this great u couldn’t make it up related headline. Incase you wondered the article is about a primary school kid couldn’t share her birthday cake her gran made with the other kids at school for health and safety reasons.

 

You Can't Cake It Up

Kit Kat Chunky 4 Finger Pack

As I tweeted earlier today by friend Tom has made a Kit Kat chunky 4 finger pack. This all came about after we had a group conversation about chocolate bars in the pub for ages and Tom confessed his love for Kit Kat Chunkies. We thought of making a 4 finger pack and low behold he actually pulled out more creative effort than he did in 3 years as a fine art student and made this beauty. The proper wrapping, foil and the four fingers ‘glued’ together with melted chocolate.

The Packaging

The Chocolate

I since got told at work about Pimp That Snack – which has lots more pimped up snacks. Unsurprisingly.

2 Oversized Cigarettes, 1 Cactus & Spiderman

The events I’m about to describe are from a night out from a few years ago. I was in my then local pub with a few friends on the quiz night. That night my smoking friends/art students decided to make 2 large cigarettes as mascots for our team. Bare in mind we are in some old mans pub and we were the only youngsters in there – these props were a little over their heads.

Team Smokers (Plus Me)

Team Smokers (Plus Me)

Clive The Postman

Firstly, above Is Clive the local postman. I never got it, he was a postman but always hammered in our pub til early hours and I thought postmen got up in the early hours so not sure how that works??

Below is the pub landlord, on this night he wasn’t working behind the bar and was quite merry that night shall I say. Well he seemed to enjoy the cigarette props and started having a ’sword fight’ with the cigarettes with my housemate across the pub. Like you do.

The Barman

Fagg fight?

But more to the point. The key aspect of this post. So all night we were wondering where one of the other locals Pete was that night, nearing the end of the night someone got a phone call saying he was on his way to pub for around midnight. Later on he came on in, but what does a 40 yr old bloke come in with on his own with into a pub at midnight? Well as you can guess – a lifesize spiderman and a cactus he managed to find on his journey to the pub. If you could think of 2 more random objects I don’t believe it. He enjoyed our cigarettes too.

Where do you get a Spiderman from?

And a cactus??

But loving our cigarettes!

Having fun!

Sex Toys For The Kitchen

I was at my friend’s Craig and Iza’s place recently when I was in their kitchen looking for a fork or something when I open the wrong draw to find this.

I couldn’t stop laughing, what is this object resembling a sex toy? Well it’s for protecting bananas from getting squashed while still keeping them fresh, but really we all know what you really use it for you Yorkshire foooooooker.

Some innocent fun?

Oh it's for bananas!

Nike Freestyle Champion

Me and Tom at Wembley

In the previous post I mentioned how I had to grope the breasts of the Nike Freestyle Champion 2003’s girlfriend. I say 2003, but truth is I can’t remember exactly the year, but it was something like that. I also said he gave me his business card, I would love to show you all it, but it was 2 years ago and I can’t find it now!

Anyway, more to the point, the relevance of this article!

As you can see I was at Wembley stadium with my mates Oli and Tom from back home. We were watching the big game – Ebbsfleet v Torquay in the big cup final. At half time the entertainment was announced. I thought I heard them announce it was from the ‘Nike Freestyle Champion 2003.” Wheels were turning inside my brain and I thought that’s the guy from the Zoo night! The camera then zoomed in on him on the big screen and it was him! I turn to my mates and say “I groped his girlfriend’s boob for a photo shoot.”

Who's this? It can't be?

It's Nike Freestyle Champion

Here he is with his girlfriend on the Zoo night

And here's me again with his girlfriend

Zoo Man Photo Shoot

A few years ago I embarked on a bizarre evening that most men would dream about. After some hassling and begging I managed to be a photographer’s assistant for a Zoo online photo shoot. The photo shoot was to follow the Zoo man hang out in Embassy night club in Soho, London with Miss GB contestant Lisa Lloyd Hughes.

This is the full story with photos never seen before until now.

(From left to right) Model, Miss GB, Zoo Man and Lisa Lloyd Hughes

When we got there the guy from Zoo online didn’t want to be photographed that night because he had a cold sore on his lips and wondered if I wanted to replace him. Well obviously I took not much time to say yes, I mean 1 I’m a man and 2 I like wierd unusual situations so this was perfect for me!

My job criteria was to wear the Zoo t-shirt, be the Zoo man, hang out with the Miss GB contestants and look like I’m having a good time with lots of flirting (this was the briefing!).

At first it felt wierd doing this, let alone the models, comparing myself to the rest of these fame hungry people I was surrounded by the sort of people I don’t normally associate with. Then after 5 minutes I got right into it. I was asked to be more flirtatious and cheeky, but it’s quite surreal for an average guy like me suddenly to able to grope any stunning model whatever way I can because these models are desperate to have there photo taken with the Zoo man and then in turn get the photo published online.

Playing to the cameras

The blond haired girl bought me a £12 drink, surely the man should buy the drinks!

The 3 girls above, after chatting in their booth for half hour asked if I wanted to go outside with them while they had a cigarette, so I did. Thing was they didn’t want the paparazzi to see me wearing the zoo t-shirt with them so they literally smuggled me past the paparazzi, I mean smuggled! There were quite a few paparazzi there that night too, I found out why a few days later, because Girls Aloud were in the private rooms in the upstairs part of the club.

The middle girl is a Sun page 3 girl

Can I spank you?

At one point a Sun page 3 model came up to me and asked if she could have a photo with me and her mate, she said, I really want to get my photo published would you mind if I spanked you? Well I said trying to keep a straight professional face, well I need some shots of me on the dancefloor so maybe you could spank me on the dancefloor. So that’s exactly what happened, and the faces of everyone while I really got into it and played up to camera was hilarious. I think the alcohol was starting to take control!

I quote "Grope my boob"

During the above shot, I was having my photo taken with this girl and her boyfriend was stood right next to her looking annoyed at me. I didn’t want to touch anywhere inappropriate here, I mean he was stood right next to me, but then she turns to me “you can grope my boob” and grabs my hand and puts it over her boob. I try to avoid eye contact with the boyfriend! After the photos are done he comes over to me and tells me he used to be in Hollyoaks and he was the Nike freestyle champion 2003 and gives me his business card (check out a future post on him).

I quote "grab my leg"

At the end of the night I somehow managed to swop numbers with the blond model above on business related matters. I don’t know how I managed that, but then on the Monday afternoon after this night out I was in the middle of some work when she rings me asking how things are and if I can get her her own photo shoot for Zoo! Amazing!

Some people asked me who was the best model, I would have to say the one below, but she wasn’t even a model but I think maybe an accountant or something. I know I was suprised by her job at least!

Zoo Man's favourite

Taken by the paparazzi

After telling some people this happened, and with no-one believing it the article came out just under a week later on the Zoo website and here it was…

The article

The article

To add, after this happened I became myspace friends with Lisa Lloyd Hughes and even got invited to her birthday party at embassy. Unfortunately I never made it because I was away in Newcastle for that weekend!

We are now on YouTube

That’s right, so all those videos I wanted to show I now can, plus all the wierd stuff I seem to keep finding will be on there too. There are 2 videos on there at the moment but more will be forthcoming.

For the moment you can check out a crazy old man dancing here…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHwjWt_uFuQ

Or a pigeon literally attempt stalking/rape/sex pest another pigeon here…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGaGe1QsD4I

Jabba The Hut

Who is the real Jabba the Hut?

The other morning in a hangover state me and my mates turned the TV on and started watching a programme called ‘The Big Questions’ on BBC1 on Sunday mornings. In the audience there was every stereotype, a vicar, a millioniare businessman, a human rights activist, a feminist etc but there was one person who took our eye. This woman said nothing the whole episode, taking every part of the debates in her stride. This woman was Jabba the Hut.

Quote 13

“I wonder if I’m taller stood upside down?”

Clara, desperate to be tall at any cost